Surrender

Surrender ‘it’ says,

Surrender some more ‘it’ says,

Surrender ‘it’ says…

 

I’ve always been a doer. I’ve always been dynamic and busy and lived a full life.  I love nothing more than creating and building projects that have the potential to excite and inspire.  I’m also aware of my weak spots, my blind spots, my challenges.  I’m terribly impatient and not so good at completing and finishing… I’m particularly not interested in systems and processes. Truth is, they bore me and there are other people way better than me at that stuff.  It’s people that fascinate me.

So it’s a really curious time for me at the moment because despite my best will and attempts to utilise my strengths of creating, connecting and serving others, I feel like I’m failing.  My income is way off what I hoped it would be, meaning that I’m getting some good experience of living more simply (not necessarily a bad thing but certainly doesn’t ease the stress when you’re not sure month to month if you can cover your cost of living).  I have two businesses; one that I can’t seem to birth (acupuncture), the other (BraveSouls) still finding its feet with an old and new audience.

Failing is not a nice place for me. I’m used to achieving. My entire early life training was all geared up for achieving. I wasn’t taught how to fail, how to let go. I was taught to keep going at all costs, to push on through, to find your inner fire and determination. To believe to achieve. To create. To be resourceful.

Over the years this way of being eventually made me sick (as it does many people, women especially who just don’t have the testosterone to meet the demands). Since then I’ve been trying to find more flow, more balance more relationship with a life force greater than my own.  Surrender.

I’ve tried to find a happy balance between vision /planning and surrendering with my work, learning to stop knocking on doors that feel shut and follow the ones that are open, even when they don’t seem to fit the plan.  Learning to let go of success or failure, right or wrong and follow what lights me up rather than drains my blood.  I’m still working on this one and its required a massive amount of letting go of the life I thought I was going to have.

I’m very grateful to live in a nice house, have a loving family and have some super special friends.  I’m also 41, childless and in a precarious position in my current relationship with no idea which way it will go.  The one thing I desired the most in life was having a family of my own.  A partner of equals who was up for adventure and co-creating a life our way.  Consciously bringing children into the world and nurturing their souls to do good and be happy. If we could find meaningful work that paid well enough I’d be more than content.

I know that there’s a strong chance I won’t have a child of my own now.   The odds really aren’t in my favour.

This brings up immense grief and loss for me and I’m struggling to process it (perhaps another blog for another time).  Perhaps life and creating it, is the very symbol of surrendering.  If it’s meant for you it shall not pass you by.

As a meditate, pray and ask for guidance the ONLY message I’m getting at the moment is to …… Surrender. It’s the only word I hear or see.  The only thing left to do is to do nothing. To be open and available.  To stop trying to fix, problem solve, batten down, control, orchestrate….. Surrender. Be curious, open and available.

Surrender is a tough word for me.  I have a history that includes sexual violence and so on the one hand letting go, and learning to trust go against my survival instincts.  I’m unsure if I’ll feel and be safe if I surrender.   On the other hand, surrendering can feel like a hug from someone offering unconditional love. The warm fuzzy enveloping feeling as you become aware of all your worries melting away, just for those few seconds.  Surrendering.

That’s the effect I hope to offer in my coaching, to offer my unconditional non judgemental love in a way that will support others to get the clarity or peace they need.  I appear to be better at giving it than receiving it.

I both desire and fear surrender.  A paradox. A both/and conundrum.

And so my current quest to surrender more, lead me to a book by Michael Singer called the Surrender Experiment… it follows his journey into surrendering.  Opening up to the awareness that life had a plan far greater than any one he could have created on his own.  When he learnt to drop into that acceptance, and walk through the doors that were open rather than banging on the ones that were shut, he learnt how to create in flow with that ‘something’ greater than ourselves.

What I’ve learnt so far

  • there is no good that comes from banging on a closed door
  • there are open doors all around us, we just have to widen our lense to see them
  • letting go of my need to control and for things to show up in a certain way, enables them to show up even better than I could have planned
  • surrendering is frightening but liberating
  • surrendering takes guts and determination (ironically)
  • surrendering feels like unconditional love
  • learning to trust self is a key to surrendering
  • surrendering requires grief

And so I wonder, what have you learnt about surrendering in your life? How do you resist it? What doors are you pushing that are shut? Are you willing to widen your view to see a different open door?  How much silence and space do you create and allow in your life? What experiences do you have of surrendering and how did the outcome exceed your expectations?

I’m sure there will be a part B to this blog at some point

But for now, thanks for making it this far, go gently with your soul and look for the open doors.

Much love Jen x

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