Fu*ck it I’m 40!
* this blog comes with a health warning in that it contains swear words. Lots of them in fact. But it’s for therapeutic purposes, so it’s ok (apparently).
So last year I turned 40.
Yup last year I turned 40.
Yep doesn’t matter how many ways I say it, it’s still 40. I don’t feel 40. I feel 33 I think, well most of the time anyway. In fact I’m not even sure I feel any number. I’m both my younger self, my wiser older self and all my other selves in between.
As I approached my 40th birthday I felt the pull of the outside world demanding of me to ‘do something to mark the occasion’. A big party perhaps? A trip of a lifetime? Bucket list adventure? And it’s true, I explored, agonised, moaned, got curious and finally became totally indecisive about all of those options.
The truth was, I just wasn’t feeling any of those things. I didn’t have the energy or passion for planning them. I was only doing them to fit in with the outside world and it’s expectations of me and what I ‘SHOULD’ be doing because it’s my 40th. So I spent some time and went inside to explore what I really wanted. I asked, with my life as it is right now in this moment, what could I do to celebrate my birthday that I’ll enjoy? Truth was I really wasn’t all that bothered about celebrating it. I was still tired and stressed. The adrenal fatigue was still bothering me physically, the pressure of building the business was getting to me and I was in the middle of the longest house purchase in history. My birthday was the last thing on my list.
Underneath the birthday was a lurking question about whether I felt I was where I ‘should’ be in my life at this age….. married with children of my own perhaps? more settled with work perhaps? more money to enjoy the stuff of life perhaps? I didn’t want to highlight to myself or anyone else that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life. That I wasn’t really happy inside. I was still feeling through my loneliness and my ability to accept and allow life as it is rather than chase a vision of conformity and although life was pretty good all round and I was pleased about how far I had come and all that I had already achieved, I was still unsettled.
As the day approached I started to feel the pressure that I hadn’t planned enough…. I had planned a lovely weekend away with a small group of close girl friends a few weeks after my birthday, so as my actual birthday weekend loomed I panicked. I rang one of my bessies in a sweat….. “I’m going to regret not doing more” I said. What if I do nothing on my actual birthday??? Her reply?
And is if by magic, those two little words took me back to myself, YES FUCK IT I thought, it’s my birthday so fucking what if I want to do nothing …. AND I’ll cry if I want to too. All the pressure of expectations, shoulds, being seen to conform, to keep up, to be authentic, to be brave, to be this, to be that. IT’S TOO MUCH!
So we (me and my two besties) have decided that this year of being 40 will be the year of the ‘Fuck it we’re 40’ year.
I challenge you to apply it to your life too (you don’t need to be 40). Where are all the places you’re going mad with yourself trying to keep up, trying to do it all, trying to be a certain way, trying, trying, trying? Where are all the places you’re doing things because you think you should, because someone else expects it of you, because you won’t be good enough until you do, because you’re trying to fit in? What are all the things you’re tired of, that stress you out, that drain you? Well now all you need to do is identify them, then apply the saying…. Fuck it!
And let it go.
Now that’s the harder part. You have to be prepared to let that shit go. And there will be consequences. Some people in your life won’t like it, they won’t like that you’re now choosing for you not them. Just remember that’s there shit, send them some love and leave it with them. You may even lose some friends. My opinion, is that this is good. They were never meant to be in your tribe anyway. If they can’t love you for who you are, that’s fine. Again send love, move on. You may even notice you have more time (wowwwww wouldn’t that be amazing?). You may also notice other people starting to treat you with more respect (I certainly did…. once I put my new fuck it boundaries into play I noticed people started treating me with more respect, wanting to help me even more).
Now remember as with all choices we make which are different, our old habits still lurk for a while and can pop up like a pesky gremlin at anytime. Just notice when this happens, send yourself some love for the reminder and re-apply ‘fuck it’ philosophy.
So loved ones, go forth and enjoy your year choosing more for you. Because, well, ‘fuck it’ why not.